The polar vortex took Americans by storm. But the Germans have a few helpful tips on how to survive a second coming
As an American expatriate living in Berlin, I initially assumed all the "polar vortex" talk stateside was a big-budget apocalyptic thriller starring someone like Daniel Craig, which would show up six months later in German cinemas. Then I realized it was a brutal cold front that was making the nation feel as cold as a 20-year-old girl wearing lacy tights on a December night out in New York.
I figured the least I could do was help out my compatriots by imparting some German cold weather survival strategies that I've picked up over the last five years. These nuggets of wisdom have been passed on to me by various Berliners, young and old, often in an overly helpful (aka slightly condescending) manner. As such, feel free to read this list aloud with a strong German accent and an "I-told-you-so" tone.
How to survive (and thrive) in the most unbearable of winters:
*1. Two words: kidney warmers. *Or, auf Deutsch, one word: Nierenwärmer. Don't listen to anyone who tells you that kidney warmers are for grandmas: isn't Berlin the coolest city in Europe? And what self-respecting Berlin hipster would be caught dead without a retro kidney warmer on a Friday night?
*2. Throw open the windows.* Nothing like cold, fresh air to get the blood pumping. You'll be so busy feeling exhilarated that any resulting symptoms of pneumonia from the stinging breeze can easily be ignored.
*3. Forget the heater, put on sweaters. *Germany boasts Europe's best economy, but that doesn't mean Germans exhibit wasteful winter behavior like their extravagant, oil-addicted friends across the Atlantic (not naming any names here). The key to staying warm indoors isn't a toasty apartment, it's layering until your circulation is compromised and to walk is to waddle. On the bright side, you don't have to rack your brain selecting outfits in the morning; simply put on everything in your closet and you're good to go!
*4. Get naked.* That's right, take off all those layers that you just put on and subject yourself to frighteningly high temperatures. By which I am not suggesting you engage in any kind of Sylvia Plath fetish activities, but rather: get thee to a sauna. Don't be a feigling (wimp) and wear a bathing suit. The only permissible suit in the sauna is the one you were born in, which may cause the uninitiated American to blush, but since everyone else is flushed from the exorbitant, likely unhealthy high temperatures, you'll fit right in. The genius of the sauna is that it makes warmth your enemy.
You might spend any given January afternoon dreaming of Key West (or, in the case of Germans, Mallorca) but a sauna snaps you right out of that reverie. Pouring sweat; witnessing naked bodies that you will try, for years, to forget; the sauna makes summer beaches the last thing you crave. Experienced German sauna practitioners fall so deeply into this anti-summer trance that they exit the sauna and stumble joyously out into the snow, still naked, yelping like crazed puppies. Russians take this a step farther by hopping into freezing lakes and whacking each other with birch branches. But how Russians get through the winter is another list, dominated by homemade vodka recipes.
*5. Embrace despondency.* Admit it, it's a pain to be cheerful. Germans know that Americans are faking it 99% of the time, and they want you to know it's okay to give up the ghost. Americans can best exercise their sad muscles by indulging in seasonal affective disorders. Don't buy expensive light therapy products; try turning off all the lights and putting on Joni Mitchell's River on repeat. Pretty soon, you'll be that guy with dark purple shadows under your eyes, who weeps when other people say "good morning" or "nice shirt" and likes to spend your free time cozied up next to moldy old suitcases in the basement. That's when you know you've truly learned how to survive winters like a pro. There's even a name for this enlightened state in German, which is impossible to translate into English: Imkaltenkellernebenmuffigenkoffernwehfreude.
Once you can successfully pronounce this word, and you've mastered every tip on the list, you should be fine until spring hits. Which brings, of course, a new challenge: "How to Survive Irritatingly Pleasant Days and Blossom Scented Breezes", a conundrum that most Northern Europeans have yet to conquer. Reported by guardian.co.uk 6 hours ago.
As an American expatriate living in Berlin, I initially assumed all the "polar vortex" talk stateside was a big-budget apocalyptic thriller starring someone like Daniel Craig, which would show up six months later in German cinemas. Then I realized it was a brutal cold front that was making the nation feel as cold as a 20-year-old girl wearing lacy tights on a December night out in New York.
I figured the least I could do was help out my compatriots by imparting some German cold weather survival strategies that I've picked up over the last five years. These nuggets of wisdom have been passed on to me by various Berliners, young and old, often in an overly helpful (aka slightly condescending) manner. As such, feel free to read this list aloud with a strong German accent and an "I-told-you-so" tone.
How to survive (and thrive) in the most unbearable of winters:
*1. Two words: kidney warmers. *Or, auf Deutsch, one word: Nierenwärmer. Don't listen to anyone who tells you that kidney warmers are for grandmas: isn't Berlin the coolest city in Europe? And what self-respecting Berlin hipster would be caught dead without a retro kidney warmer on a Friday night?
*2. Throw open the windows.* Nothing like cold, fresh air to get the blood pumping. You'll be so busy feeling exhilarated that any resulting symptoms of pneumonia from the stinging breeze can easily be ignored.
*3. Forget the heater, put on sweaters. *Germany boasts Europe's best economy, but that doesn't mean Germans exhibit wasteful winter behavior like their extravagant, oil-addicted friends across the Atlantic (not naming any names here). The key to staying warm indoors isn't a toasty apartment, it's layering until your circulation is compromised and to walk is to waddle. On the bright side, you don't have to rack your brain selecting outfits in the morning; simply put on everything in your closet and you're good to go!
*4. Get naked.* That's right, take off all those layers that you just put on and subject yourself to frighteningly high temperatures. By which I am not suggesting you engage in any kind of Sylvia Plath fetish activities, but rather: get thee to a sauna. Don't be a feigling (wimp) and wear a bathing suit. The only permissible suit in the sauna is the one you were born in, which may cause the uninitiated American to blush, but since everyone else is flushed from the exorbitant, likely unhealthy high temperatures, you'll fit right in. The genius of the sauna is that it makes warmth your enemy.
You might spend any given January afternoon dreaming of Key West (or, in the case of Germans, Mallorca) but a sauna snaps you right out of that reverie. Pouring sweat; witnessing naked bodies that you will try, for years, to forget; the sauna makes summer beaches the last thing you crave. Experienced German sauna practitioners fall so deeply into this anti-summer trance that they exit the sauna and stumble joyously out into the snow, still naked, yelping like crazed puppies. Russians take this a step farther by hopping into freezing lakes and whacking each other with birch branches. But how Russians get through the winter is another list, dominated by homemade vodka recipes.
*5. Embrace despondency.* Admit it, it's a pain to be cheerful. Germans know that Americans are faking it 99% of the time, and they want you to know it's okay to give up the ghost. Americans can best exercise their sad muscles by indulging in seasonal affective disorders. Don't buy expensive light therapy products; try turning off all the lights and putting on Joni Mitchell's River on repeat. Pretty soon, you'll be that guy with dark purple shadows under your eyes, who weeps when other people say "good morning" or "nice shirt" and likes to spend your free time cozied up next to moldy old suitcases in the basement. That's when you know you've truly learned how to survive winters like a pro. There's even a name for this enlightened state in German, which is impossible to translate into English: Imkaltenkellernebenmuffigenkoffernwehfreude.
Once you can successfully pronounce this word, and you've mastered every tip on the list, you should be fine until spring hits. Which brings, of course, a new challenge: "How to Survive Irritatingly Pleasant Days and Blossom Scented Breezes", a conundrum that most Northern Europeans have yet to conquer. Reported by guardian.co.uk 6 hours ago.